


Egg In Your Milky Way

by Molespeople



Series: Egg In Your Milky Way [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Asspuppy, Crack, Don't Judge Me, F/M, Gen, I Don't Even Know, I'm Sorry, If ALPHA TWINS MERGE I CAN WRITE ASSPUPPY, M/M, Mpreg, Release the CRACK-en
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-08
Updated: 2013-06-08
Packaged: 2017-12-14 06:56:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/834028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Molespeople/pseuds/Molespeople
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles is at college. There are finals. Eventually there's an asspuppy. This is crack. And also this is un-beta'ed, because I don't know if I would subject another person to this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Egg In Your Milky Way

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Katy Perry - E.T. feat. Kanye West. Because this "fic" is probably just as horrible as this lyric.
> 
> I'm not really sure how to rate this or warn for this. I guess the tags pretty much cover it. So read the tags, I guess. I didn't really proofread this either because I'm still can't believe I brought this into the world.

Stiles tapped his pen against his desk and stared at the blinking cursor on the screen. He's got less than 12 hours to get this paper on The Bacchae done for his Classics class. He's got nothing. Zip. Nada. Not even a title. The Bacchae and Its Influence on the Male Pregnancy Mythos. Rejected - the thought of introducing little Professor McGinty and his trademark mustard yellow bow tie to the hidden horrors of the Internet, well, didn't make Stiles feel like a very good person. Stiles was also preeeeetty sure that Professor McGinty didn't even own a computer...and he actually required all sources to be books... from the college library. And Stiles was absolutely fine with this, unlike most of his classmates. Bring on the dusty books! Except yeah, try finding books on male pregnancy at a small college library. Well Stiles had tried, and failed, making a librarian uncomfortable in the process. Stiles was pretty sure if he had gone to Columbia with Lydia he wouldn't be having this problem. But noooo he wanted to stay near the pack and Scott and his dad...and Der-

Anyway, the only other potential topics that Stiles could think of involved True Blood and his own personal experience. Also not helpful. 

Stiles sighed and threw his pen at his computer. His last assignment and he'd be officially done with his first semester. But nooooo. Stiles swiveled in his chair, taking in Scott on his bed - studying hard for his last final, the mini-fridge, Scott's desk -- the mini fridge! 

Stiles scrambled out of his chair and casually approached the fridge located under Scott's loft bed. He was pretty sure they had some Chinese food in there somewhere. 

Scott poked his head over the side of the bed. "Dude! Again? You just ate like two hours ago!"

Stiles paused in his rummaging, an egg roll poking out of his mouth. "My brain needs food to function...and I'm hungry...Is this beef...and broccoli still good? I'm actually guessing it's broccoli, I can't tell and/or remember...Here, sniff it!"

Scott turned his head quickly."Oh gross, no. You've used up your sniff-tests this week anyway...But don't you think you've been eating a lot lately."

Stiles sighed. "Well, apparently I'm double-majoring in stress-eating and the Classics, okay. Freshman 15, Freshman 25...whatever, my pants still fit, I'm good."

Scott frowned. "But you're wearing sweatpants...like you have every day for the past month." 

"Your concern is noted but currently unwelcome. I'm going to eat this beef...and something, finish this paper from HELL, and then sometime after all that, I'll have time to appreciate your concern over my weight."

\-----------------

45 Minutes Later 

Stiles was slowly but steadily making progress, basically just bullshitting his way through five pages. But Stiles was slowly beginning to realize he had another problem. Apparently that broccoli and...something had indeed been bad. His stomach had been feeling off for a little while now. Just what Stiles needed, food poisoning! With cramping! Yaaaaay. Stiles couldn't help but moan with his gastric distress. 

"Woah, Stiles, you okay?" 

Stiles stumbled to his feet, thanking the powers that be that their prison cell of a college dorm room had a private bathroom. "Oh god, I regret everything."

Stiles was expecting lots of horrible things to happen whilst in the bathroom. He was not expecting that. 

"SCOTT!"

"I'm not looking at your poop, Stiles." Scott replied, flipping a page in his textbook.

"SCOTT. THERE IS A PUPPY IN THE TOILET...THIS IS NOT A DRILL."

Scott jumped off his loft bed and walked towards the bathroom. " I swear to God, Stiles, if this is an elaborate ruse to make me look at your... WHY IS THERE A PUPPY IN THE TOILET?"

Scott took a moment to take in the tableau - Stiles grasping the toilet, pants around his ankles, and a puppy in a toilet - before his years with Dr. Deaton kicked in. He whipped the miraculously clean towel off the towel bar and extracted the puppy from the toilet. He started vigorously rubbing the puppy. 

"What are you doing? What's happening? I'm dreaming, right? How does a puppy get in a toilet? Did some sicko upstairs try to flush a puppy down the toilet..." Stiles was beginning to hyperventilate. 

Scott growled. "Stiles, you need to stay calm. Right now, I'm trying to get this puppy to breathe."

Stiles grabbed his forehead. "Oh god. It came out of my butt. IT CAME OUT OF MY BUTT, Scott."

Scott ignored Stiles' panicked tirade and contained his administrations. And finally, his efforts were rewarded, the puppy began to cry. 

"...It's like Too Cute and I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant - had a baby. I had an ASSPUPPY, Scott." 

Scott folded the puppy in the towel and placed it gently in the corner. 

"Okay. Stiles, are you feeling any more cramps?" 

Stiles shook his head. " Asspuppy, Scott. ASS. PUPPY." Stiles shook his head again. " I don't think so. I feel a lot better though. I thought I was seriously going to die." 

Then, because things couldn't get worse. There was a knock on the door. "Scott, Stiles, this is your R.A., I need somebody to open the door."

Stiles and Scott froze, looking at each other, and then at the puppy, snuffling around in its blanket." 

"Pull your pants up! I'll get the door." 

Stiles watched Scott leave the bathroom and shut the door. Stiles looked at the puppy and then down at his naked legs. "How is this my life?" But he proceeded to pull up his pants. Stiles hadn't been this tired since that one time with the Freddy-Kreuger-esque Incubus. 

The bathroom door opened and Stiles gave a little wave. 

"Hiya, Andy! How are your finals going?"

"Stiles, Scott here was telling me you guys found a puppy. I don't need to remind you guys about the rule about pets in the dorms." 

Stiles shook his head. "Andy, I completely understand the rules in this situation. But I have a paper due today! And I was heading back from the library, and this puppy is just THERE in the middle of the sidewalk. A HAWK COULD HAVE EATEN IT. Somebody could have stepped on it! What was I supposed to do, Andy? Leave it there to die. But once this paper is done, I'll be gone for winter break, and so it's only a couple of hours -" 

"Stop, Stiles. Fine. One-time only. I've got to study- so let's be a little more considerate of others and keep it quiet." 

Stiles gave a tired salute, "Aye, aye, Andy." 

Andy shook his head and stomped out of the bathroom. 

Scott picked up the puppy and carried it over to Stiles.

Stiles and Scott sat together on the floor of the bathroom, Stiles cradling the puppy in his arms. "This is real, right?" 

Scott nodded. "Unfortunately. But look on the bright side, you won't have to explain a baby to your dad."

There was a sudden burst of movement in Stiles' arms, and when they looked down, there was a baby, a human baby. 

"Well, fuck."


End file.
